The last one is the best
Here are some conversations airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
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Pilot: " Albuquerque Center , this is United 372. I have an engine that just went out and I need to land. No panic, but I need a runway that's close to my present location."
Tower: "United 372, this is Albuquerque Center. You are cleared to land at [Name of town I have never heard of] Airport immediately."
Pilot: (Who had obviously never heard of town either) "Hey, I'm not talking some crop duster airport here, Albuquerque Center "
Tower: "United 372, that runway is 6,700 feet long. Is THAT going to be enough for you, or do you want me to send someone up to help you land?"
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped , turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married
to you once?"
The download hangar is currently disabled. We're doing our best to bring it back as soon as possible.
Conversations airline passengers normally will never hear
About the funniest thing I've ever heard in my 10 year career so far was one day taxiing out in Cleveland, this Continental 737 gets a stuck mic. Now if you're not familiar with a stuck mic it's when one aircraft transmits and for whatever reason, the push to talk switch gets stuck in the "talk" position. Most of the time the pilot doesn't realize that the button is stuck and goes back to his/her conversation or whatever he/she was talking about. Well the other benefit of a stuck mic is that no one else can transmit or receive any intructions or clearances since the frequency is jammed by a continuous transmission from the aircraft with the stuck mic. So when it occurs on the ground frequency, as it did on this day, you are forced to just hold your position and enjoy the entertainment until another means of communication can be established on a different frequency or until the Gomer with the stuck mic figures it out and un-sticks the stupid thing.
So that's the set up to this story. Continental calls up and gets his taxi instructions. His instructions that day were to taxi to runway 24L via the Brown route. Cleveland uses color coded taxi routings to save the controllers from having to read lengthy, time consuming taxi clearances. It's a bit non-standard and one of the only airports in the world that I know of that regularly uses this system. So if you are based in CLE it's no big deal, but to the crews that don't fly through CLE that much, it usually catches them a bit off guard when they get a color coded taxi route.
So this Continental crew gets assigned "the Brown route". After reading back the clearance, the mic on the 737 gets stuck in the transmit position. The FO and I look at each other because we know something good is coming. Boy were we right that particular day. So his mic is wide open for the world to hear. They begin taxiing to the runway and one of the two pilots is singing a country western song, poorly I might add. Then their conversation actually turns to their taxi routing and goes something like this, all this mind you while transmitting over the ground frequency the whole time:
"Brown route, what the f@#$ is this Brown route bull@#$%". "Uhhh, yea I think it's Juliet, followed by.........what the f@#$, this is bullsh@#$". "What f@#$ing idiot came up with this sh@t." "Dumb f@#$ers". "Awe f@#$ it, just follow that guy". "Stupid f@#$ing Brown route".
Then it continues as they actually get around to running their taxi checklist after which our country music star goes back to singing his favorite song. Now at this point the whole airport has come to a stop since the ground frequency is blocked by Dumb and Dumber's stuck mic. This whole time the ground controller is trying to trasmit to them that they have a stuck mic but it does no good as you can't hear anything on your end if the mic is stuck in your plane, you assume everything is just fine.
They finally figure out what was happening just as they are about to switch over to the tower frequency. To the ground controller's credit, he very professionally advises these two numbnuts that they've had a stuck mic. I was dieing for him to say more but he didn't.
Didn't matter anyhow, we were nearly wetting ourselves we were laughing so hard. I will never forget that one.
So that's the set up to this story. Continental calls up and gets his taxi instructions. His instructions that day were to taxi to runway 24L via the Brown route. Cleveland uses color coded taxi routings to save the controllers from having to read lengthy, time consuming taxi clearances. It's a bit non-standard and one of the only airports in the world that I know of that regularly uses this system. So if you are based in CLE it's no big deal, but to the crews that don't fly through CLE that much, it usually catches them a bit off guard when they get a color coded taxi route.
So this Continental crew gets assigned "the Brown route". After reading back the clearance, the mic on the 737 gets stuck in the transmit position. The FO and I look at each other because we know something good is coming. Boy were we right that particular day. So his mic is wide open for the world to hear. They begin taxiing to the runway and one of the two pilots is singing a country western song, poorly I might add. Then their conversation actually turns to their taxi routing and goes something like this, all this mind you while transmitting over the ground frequency the whole time:
"Brown route, what the f@#$ is this Brown route bull@#$%". "Uhhh, yea I think it's Juliet, followed by.........what the f@#$, this is bullsh@#$". "What f@#$ing idiot came up with this sh@t." "Dumb f@#$ers". "Awe f@#$ it, just follow that guy". "Stupid f@#$ing Brown route".
Then it continues as they actually get around to running their taxi checklist after which our country music star goes back to singing his favorite song. Now at this point the whole airport has come to a stop since the ground frequency is blocked by Dumb and Dumber's stuck mic. This whole time the ground controller is trying to trasmit to them that they have a stuck mic but it does no good as you can't hear anything on your end if the mic is stuck in your plane, you assume everything is just fine.
They finally figure out what was happening just as they are about to switch over to the tower frequency. To the ground controller's credit, he very professionally advises these two numbnuts that they've had a stuck mic. I was dieing for him to say more but he didn't.
Didn't matter anyhow, we were nearly wetting ourselves we were laughing so hard. I will never forget that one.
-Mike G.
Recovering flight sim addict, constant lurker.
Check out my real life RV-8 build here: RV-8 Builder Log
Recovering flight sim addict, constant lurker.
Check out my real life RV-8 build here: RV-8 Builder Log
Don't remember it exactly but -
A British Airways pilot who was a Lancaster veteren of WW2 landed at Berlin airport.
He asked the ground controller for directions to the gate.
The ground controller snapped back "Haven't you ever been here before?".
"Yes" replied the pilot, "during the war, but I didn't stop"
A British Airways pilot who was a Lancaster veteren of WW2 landed at Berlin airport.
He asked the ground controller for directions to the gate.
The ground controller snapped back "Haven't you ever been here before?".
"Yes" replied the pilot, "during the war, but I didn't stop"
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
Billund ATC: Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet.
D5: Same position, same altitude.
ATC (cool, dry voice): So should I go get my collision report form ?
ATC: Say altitude
Pilot (feeling frisky): altitude
ATC: Say ALTITUDE
Pilot: ALTITUDE
ATC: Say 'Canceling IFR'
Pilot: Level 8000
Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessna's including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs, the controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally asked: "Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"
A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a moment, "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think that I would yet be considered the 'Skymaster.'"
A friend of mine was ferrying his Blanick to a nearby airport on the other side of some Class C Airspace. The 182 tow plane had no radio, but the Blanick did. No problem, after departing the glider called, ATC and gave their intentions to cross The Class C airspace. About halfway across, ATC requested a 90 degree right turn. My friend responded. "What do you want me do? Yell out the window?"
A crew in a Baron was taxiing at LAX back in the sixties and encountered one of the (then) new 747's. Both pilot and co- were all eyes as both aircraft approached the same intersection.
Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence - UA 737. [pause]
Cessna: San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.
[longer pause]
Tower: UA 737, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.
Someone: Giggles and laughter in background.
After several unsuccessful attempts to raise the student pilot whom the tower has just issued instructions to: "You have to key in the mic...I can't see you when you nod your head."
I was taxiing out to the active in a 172 and I had just dialed up tower and checked the approach which was clear. The weather was 15+ vis and no ceiling. I was just about to call tower for clearance when I heard this.
ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33.
TWR: Alpha bravo charlie, negative visual contact pull up go around.
I took a good hard look for the a/c and saw nothing so I called tower and got cleared to go. I heard 2 more renditions of the "On short final" and "Pull up go around" act. On the fourth try the pilot got a bit frustrated about the wave off. It went like this.
TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around.
ABC: Well look out you window, I'm right bloody in front of you!
Tower came back very cool and collected.
TWR: Alpha bravo charlie look down into the centre of the runway pattern. Do you see a big white radar dome?
ABC: err....negative dome tower.
TWR: That's because you're not over London. You're over Waterloo-Wellington 50 miles north-east of my position. Waterloo-Wellington tower frequency is 125.00. I think they would like to talk to you.
ATC: Cessna 1234 What are your intentions?
Cessna: To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.
ATC: Cessna 1234 I meant in the next five minutes not years.
A true story from my Scottish days when a C152 pilot was asked to report his height prior to clearance to enter the zone, replied: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred", upon which the Controller very smartly replied, "Roger, prepare to fire retro-rockets and re-enter the atmosphere!"
C-150: Tower this is N-1234 can you give us a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger N-1234 we show you at 110 knots
Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-5678 can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger that N-5678 we show you at 201 knots
F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.
... then in a distant crackly voice,
"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."
Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir.
"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."
Another student, a not too bright woman, was coming in for a landing. The radio in the FBO was set to the ground freq. It seems that she landed on the taxi way.
The ground controller told her, "please call 555-9876 after you park the plane".
She answered, "No thank you sir, I'm already married."
Cessna: Bay Approach, Cessna 12345 over South County Airport at four thousand feet, request permission to land at San Jose.
Bay Approach: Cessna 12345, Squawk 4567, and do you have Hotel? (the current SJC ATIS)
Cessna: Negative, we're going to stay with my sister-in-law.
American 123: Does your sister-in-law have any extra rooms?
Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to loose your luggage."
Student pilot: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced six inches. SIX MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin' back, man!"
Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to
destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet
thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or
below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156
direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian
Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present
position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing
15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT
thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil."
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a
twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and
continues to the taxiway
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
Billund ATC: Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet.
D5: Same position, same altitude.
ATC (cool, dry voice): So should I go get my collision report form ?
ATC: Say altitude
Pilot (feeling frisky): altitude
ATC: Say ALTITUDE
Pilot: ALTITUDE
ATC: Say 'Canceling IFR'
Pilot: Level 8000
Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessna's including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs, the controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally asked: "Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"
A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a moment, "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think that I would yet be considered the 'Skymaster.'"
A friend of mine was ferrying his Blanick to a nearby airport on the other side of some Class C Airspace. The 182 tow plane had no radio, but the Blanick did. No problem, after departing the glider called, ATC and gave their intentions to cross The Class C airspace. About halfway across, ATC requested a 90 degree right turn. My friend responded. "What do you want me do? Yell out the window?"
A crew in a Baron was taxiing at LAX back in the sixties and encountered one of the (then) new 747's. Both pilot and co- were all eyes as both aircraft approached the same intersection.
Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence - UA 737. [pause]
Cessna: San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.
[longer pause]
Tower: UA 737, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.
Someone: Giggles and laughter in background.
After several unsuccessful attempts to raise the student pilot whom the tower has just issued instructions to: "You have to key in the mic...I can't see you when you nod your head."
I was taxiing out to the active in a 172 and I had just dialed up tower and checked the approach which was clear. The weather was 15+ vis and no ceiling. I was just about to call tower for clearance when I heard this.
ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33.
TWR: Alpha bravo charlie, negative visual contact pull up go around.
I took a good hard look for the a/c and saw nothing so I called tower and got cleared to go. I heard 2 more renditions of the "On short final" and "Pull up go around" act. On the fourth try the pilot got a bit frustrated about the wave off. It went like this.
TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around.
ABC: Well look out you window, I'm right bloody in front of you!
Tower came back very cool and collected.
TWR: Alpha bravo charlie look down into the centre of the runway pattern. Do you see a big white radar dome?
ABC: err....negative dome tower.
TWR: That's because you're not over London. You're over Waterloo-Wellington 50 miles north-east of my position. Waterloo-Wellington tower frequency is 125.00. I think they would like to talk to you.
ATC: Cessna 1234 What are your intentions?
Cessna: To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.
ATC: Cessna 1234 I meant in the next five minutes not years.
A true story from my Scottish days when a C152 pilot was asked to report his height prior to clearance to enter the zone, replied: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred", upon which the Controller very smartly replied, "Roger, prepare to fire retro-rockets and re-enter the atmosphere!"
C-150: Tower this is N-1234 can you give us a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger N-1234 we show you at 110 knots
Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-5678 can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger that N-5678 we show you at 201 knots
F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.
... then in a distant crackly voice,
"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."
Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir.
"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."
Another student, a not too bright woman, was coming in for a landing. The radio in the FBO was set to the ground freq. It seems that she landed on the taxi way.
The ground controller told her, "please call 555-9876 after you park the plane".
She answered, "No thank you sir, I'm already married."
Cessna: Bay Approach, Cessna 12345 over South County Airport at four thousand feet, request permission to land at San Jose.
Bay Approach: Cessna 12345, Squawk 4567, and do you have Hotel? (the current SJC ATIS)
Cessna: Negative, we're going to stay with my sister-in-law.
American 123: Does your sister-in-law have any extra rooms?
Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to loose your luggage."
Student pilot: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced six inches. SIX MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin' back, man!"
Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to
destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet
thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or
below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156
direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian
Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present
position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing
15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT
thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil."
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a
twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and
continues to the taxiway
Lead, Follow, or get the Hell out of the way!
-
alexrfixit
- First Lieutenant
- Posts: 146
- Joined: 17 Sep 2006, 20:24
- Version: FS9
- Location: Ipswich, UK
-
st george
Controller to aircraft that just landed: "Bear right, next intersection"
Pilot: "Roger, we have him in sight"
True conversation heard at Hanover Airport. The young woman in Tower has recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA XXX is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to expedite take-off for BA XXX:
Tower: BA XXX, are you ready for a quickie ?
BA XXX: Lady, I'm always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly this plane to Helsinki !
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Tower: "xxxx, clear to land"
XXXX: "roger"
Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"
XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there a some darn horn blaring in my ear!"
Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"
XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you"
Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw shit."
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."
Pilot: "... request heading to avoid."
Controller: "To avoid what?"
Pilot: "To avoid further delay."
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Centre 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."
Pilot: "Roger, we have him in sight"
True conversation heard at Hanover Airport. The young woman in Tower has recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA XXX is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to expedite take-off for BA XXX:
Tower: BA XXX, are you ready for a quickie ?
BA XXX: Lady, I'm always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly this plane to Helsinki !
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Tower: "xxxx, clear to land"
XXXX: "roger"
Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"
XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there a some darn horn blaring in my ear!"
Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"
XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you"
Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw shit."
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.
Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."
Pilot: "... request heading to avoid."
Controller: "To avoid what?"
Pilot: "To avoid further delay."
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Centre 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Centre, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."
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CelticWarrior
- Lieutenant Colonel
- Posts: 1122
- Joined: 15 Aug 2006, 17:16
- Version: FSX
- Location: Llareggub
From my own experience;
ATC: Hawk 556, turn right 15 degrees, make your heading 365.
Hawk 556: Roger, I'll make that 005?
And another;
ATC: Army Air 556, landing checks, report complete with gear down.
Army Air 556: Gear down .... and welded!
(None of our aircraft have retractable undercarriage
)
Yet another;
ATC: Army Air 556, report cockpit checks complete.
Army Air 556: Checkpit cocks complete.
The last one my colleagues found highly amusing
ATC: Hawk 556, turn right 15 degrees, make your heading 365.
Hawk 556: Roger, I'll make that 005?
And another;
ATC: Army Air 556, landing checks, report complete with gear down.
Army Air 556: Gear down .... and welded!
(None of our aircraft have retractable undercarriage
)Yet another;
ATC: Army Air 556, report cockpit checks complete.
Army Air 556: Checkpit cocks complete.
The last one my colleagues found highly amusing
"We attack tomorrow under cover of daylight! It's the last thing they'll be expecting ... a daylight charge across the minefield .."
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sprocky
- Major
- Posts: 765
- Joined: 26 Feb 2007, 09:33
- Version: FS9
- Location: 40kms west of EDHI (Airbus)
Yup, although some of those happenings have been proved being fakes (or is the right word hoax?jaguar1 wrote:D'you know I've been sat at my PC laughing to tears almost for the last 25 minutes. Some of these are highly entertaining, keep it up fella's.
John.
). But still funny. Brings up memories like the joke about the american aircraft carrier and the lighthouse 
you guys probably know that one, dont you?Jan
Former technician in MFG2 at ETME (home base of PANAVIA The flying computer TORNADO. sadly closed now)
Former technician in MFG2 at ETME (home base of PANAVIA The flying computer TORNADO. sadly closed now)
I remember talking a BN2 Islander (also fixed gear) down on the PAR at Beauvechain. I had been working with Alpha Jets and F16's all day but I managed not to mention the gear until near decision altitude my colleague screamed: "his gear is still up!!".CelticWarrior wrote:ATC: Army Air 556, landing checks, report complete with gear down.Army Air 556: Gear down .... and welded!
(None of our aircraft have retractable undercarriage
Greg in a panic reaction: "Belgian Army 352 approaching DA confirm gear down?"
AYB352: "Taking over... uhm... gear was, is, and will be down forever..."
I could have shot my colleague that moment, but he had already fled to the restroom
Greg
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ronniegj
Sprocky, I had heard that one as being a British Battleship with an aging Fleet Admiral in the wheelhouse, interjecting his input, to the dismay of the young officer on watch, getting his comeuppance of course from the lowly sailor manning the lighthouse at the end. It has even been made into a well acted short for radio (with strong British accents of course). I imagine the rest of the world likes it as an American Aircraft Carrier, which is OK with me. It's funny regardless of whom may be the butt of the joke!
Ron
Ron
-
sprocky
- Major
- Posts: 765
- Joined: 26 Feb 2007, 09:33
- Version: FS9
- Location: 40kms west of EDHI (Airbus)
Just searched the web, Ron. Here you go:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNX4xqlXJE
As I am a german this one is funny, too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrYRY6kx550&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNX4xqlXJE
As I am a german this one is funny, too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrYRY6kx550&NR=1
Jan
Former technician in MFG2 at ETME (home base of PANAVIA The flying computer TORNADO. sadly closed now)
Former technician in MFG2 at ETME (home base of PANAVIA The flying computer TORNADO. sadly closed now)
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ronniegj
A Virgin Airbus A340 was climbing out of Heathrow for Los Angeles when the following was heard over the radio:
Tower: Virgin 445, Are you an A340 or A330?
Virgin 445: We're an A340, why do you ask?
Tower: Well switch your extra engines on and expedite climb to FL340!
(The Airbus A340, especially the -300 version, is renowned for poor climb performance)
Tower: Virgin 445, Are you an A340 or A330?
Virgin 445: We're an A340, why do you ask?
Tower: Well switch your extra engines on and expedite climb to FL340!
(The Airbus A340, especially the -300 version, is renowned for poor climb performance)
Felix Chapman
FCAI: http://fcai.fsavional.com
FCAI: http://fcai.fsavional.com